I wouldn't know how to answer any of this, but I will tell you one story about my father in law right after his wife died. Both of them had dementia (of some kind - in my father in law's case it probably was not alzheimer's, but simply old age "garden variety dementia". In other words, it was never really diagnosed.)
When his wife died, we told him. He understood it and started to cry uncontrollably. (She did not live with him in the same room because of the differing nature of their medical problems, though they would visit a few times each day) But - he quickly forgot he'd been told as evidenced by conversations we had with him later. So - - we told him again. The grief repeated itself with the same intensity.
From that point on - we decided not to tell him anymore. It was counter productive to have him keep repeating that same awful grief. He could not process it. In other words, each time you told him, it was like he was hearing it for the first time.
I don't know about your mother, but wonder if this might not "stick". Yet -- I personally do think she should know as I feel that in some place inside of herself she might integrate it. I'm just suggesting that it not be a continued conversation and not prolonged. So -- choose one part of the funeral for her - and then let her go home to her routine.
As for my father in law - he never did go to the memorial service for his wife. He really was too weak at that time to leave his nursing home bed for the memorial service we had for her in the chapel at the nursing home on Hilton Head Island where they both were residents. The actual funeral was on held Long Island where she (and eventually he) was buried.
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Date: 2012-12-26 11:42 pm (UTC)I wouldn't know how to answer any of this, but I will tell you one story about my father in law right after his wife died. Both of them had dementia (of some kind - in my father in law's case it probably was not alzheimer's, but simply old age "garden variety dementia". In other words, it was never really diagnosed.)
When his wife died, we told him. He understood it and started to cry uncontrollably. (She did not live with him in the same room because of the differing nature of their medical problems, though they would visit a few times each day) But - he quickly forgot he'd been told as evidenced by conversations we had with him later. So - - we told him again. The grief repeated itself with the same intensity.
From that point on - we decided not to tell him anymore. It was counter productive to have him keep repeating that same awful grief. He could not process it. In other words, each time you told him, it was like he was hearing it for the first time.
I don't know about your mother, but wonder if this might not "stick". Yet -- I personally do think she should know as I feel that in some place inside of herself she might integrate it. I'm just suggesting that it not be a continued conversation and not prolonged. So -- choose one part of the funeral for her - and then let her go home to her routine.
As for my father in law - he never did go to the memorial service for his wife. He really was too weak at that time to leave his nursing home bed for the memorial service we had for her in the chapel at the nursing home on Hilton Head Island where they both were residents. The actual funeral was on held Long Island where she (and eventually he) was buried.