Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/coworker-got-a-bigger-raise-because-he-has-a-family-i-said-something-i-regret-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31437

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I said something awful at work

I said something at work that I regret. I feel like I have the worst case of foot-in-mouth syndrome.

I live in the Salt Lake City area. Last weekend, I was planning on participating in the No Kings protest, but I had to go support a close friend for a personal emergency they were going through. I then heard about the shooting and spent the day checking in on friends who had went (who were safe).

Everyone was talking about it when I came back to work today, and we were all sharing our collective shock, fear, sadness, etc. I shared the mixed feelings that I had upon learning about it, and a coworker asked me to elaborate.

I said something like: “I kinda feel like I missed a chance to be a part of history, y’know? This’ll be like the Kent State protest back in the day, and everyone in school talks about it in history class. Maybe I could’ve had a chance to help stop the shooter, too. Now I’ve got nothing important to tell my future grandkids. Like, oh, Grandpa could’ve been in this important thing you’re writing your book report on, but I just had to have a boring day!”

It kinda got weird and quiet after that, with one coworker changing the subject.

A coworker who I had a great relationship with before this got really steely in particular, and he sent me this Teams message: “If I were you, I would think twice before I speak in the future. Afa Ah Loo’s future grandkids will only see him in history books and through his previous work online.”

I just hid in my cubicle the rest of the day. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so full of shame. I’ve typed, backspaced, and re-typed apologies that never seem quite right enough. I’ve gotten along so well with my coworkers before this, but I felt too casual and opened my big mouth. What do I even say?

Do you know why you said it? I think figuring that out is the first step. To an observer, it sounds like you were centering yourself in a tragic event that had nothing to do with you, at the expense of thinking about the people who are deeply and horribly affected. So for example, were you prioritizing trying to be part of the conversation over everything else (and if so, can you figure out why)? Did it really reflect how you felt — did you honestly regret that you weren’t there more than that it happened at all? Were you just talking idly without thinking about what you were saying? Whatever it was, I’d then think about whether that’s something that’s happened before, and reflect on why, and whether there’s something there you could work on changing. For example, if you realize that you struggle when you don’t feel part of the rest of the group and that has led to other awkward remarks, you could work on getting more comfortable hanging back and asking about others or expressing empathy. Or if you actually did mean what you said in the moment when you said it, that’s a sign to work on developing empathy.

I think it would also help to acknowledge and apologize for the remark. We’ve all said things and later thought, “Why on earth did that come out of my mouth?” and it’s likely to help if you proactively say, “What I said yesterday was horrible. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was incredibly insensitive to the victim and his family, and I’m so sorry I centered myself in someone else’s tragedy.”

2. Male coworker got a bigger raise “because he has a family”

I am a single woman in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I have a coworker in another region, a much less expensive one, who is married with a child. We have the same title.

We both just got raises. Our vice president told me, pretty angrily, that my coworker’s raise was twice mine, and our CEO’s reasoning was, “Because he has a family.”

Is this remotely legal? I’m disgusted and discouraged.

No federal law prohibits discriminating on the basis of family status (although some state laws do), but federal law does prohibit paying men and women differently for the same work. The law makes exceptions if the employer can prove the pay differences are due to seniority or a merit system — but “he has a family and she doesn’t” wouldn’t be covered. It also doesn’t matter if they didn’t intend it to be gender discrimination; if the differences aren’t due to seniority or a merit system, it’s illegal.

Here’s some info on what you can do.

3. I need my employee to stop offering the wrong choices to clients

I have an employee in a customer service role in a healthcare clinic and I want him to stop talking about four words earlier. He is constantly giving patients choices that I don’t necessarily want to suggest. I’m not saying that they don’t have this choice or that choice, but that from a business perspective, I’d rather not make it quite so easy. That sounds terrible, I know, but some examples:
– “Would you like to reschedule that appointment or should I just cancel it?” versus “I understand that time no longer works for you. What would work better?”
– “Unfortunately, we’re not in network with your insurance, so I can give you our self-pay rates or if you want to call around and see where might take your insurance, I understand” versus “Unfortunately, we’re not contracted with your insurance, but we have very reasonable self-pay rates. I’d be happy to review those with you.”
– “For payment, you can put your credit card on file for automatic billing, or if you’d prefer, you can pay at each visit” versus “We have an automatic billing option to simplify your care; by saving your credit card on file, you won’t have to worry about dealing with payment each time you come in. How does that sound?”

You’ll notice that the wording isn’t forcing anyone to say “yes” to anything. It’s giving our business more control over the schedule, the patient volume, the operational flow, etc., but it’s not taking control away from the patient.

We have scripts, we have practiced, we have discussed the “why.” He’s always on board … he just can’t do it. He says that it’s a combination of being uncomfortable with it and habit. I told him to just be uncomfortable; it goes away pretty quickly. A mentor once told me “say it, do it, think it, feel it.” He said that things might be uncomfortable at first, the words might feel funny in your mouth and take practice, but the more you say it, the easier it will be to do, and the easier it becomes to do, the easier it is to change our mindset.

How can I help him stop talking a few words earlier to use our scripts so that these words become his default?

I’d think more practice is your best bet if it’s ever going to happen. Have him role-play with you and others, practicing the language you want him to use, until he gets more comfortable with it. And if you have someone in a similar role who’s good at this, pair them up and have that person practice with him; they might be able to explain it in a way that will click with him more than it has so far.

But if that doesn’t work, at some point you’ll have to decide if this is a big enough deal that it goes to his core suitability for the job. If it is, let him know that too so that he’s clear on the stakes.

4. Are our hiring practices as bad as I think?

I am a manager at a large private employer. I find some of my our hiring practices strange. I am curious to hear from you whether this actually is strange and worth pushing back on, or whether I need to adjust my expectations.

First, when posting open positions, they do not post the actual salary ranges they have in mind. They post the salary “grade,, which are such broad ranges that they are completely meaningless (example: $80k-$160k). However, they always have a real salary range in mind that they keep secret throughout the process, and it’s often on the extreme low end of the grade (example: job posted with aforementioned salary grade, but hiring range is actually $80k-$85k). They hire in states where posting an honest salary range is required, and, in my opinion, it is borderline whether they are breaking these laws. I think this practice is disadvantageous to both candidates and hiring managers. I feel we lose good candidates who are unhappy with the lack of pay transparency and therefore don’t even apply, or who apply but withdraw as they were expecting pay at the higher end of the grade.

Second, they ask candidates to state their salary expectations up-front. It is a required numeric entry field in the application; you cannot decline to answer, at least without declining to apply, nor can you be strategic about how you respond. From what I’ve seen, they hold you to it when it comes to salary negotiations and are not swayed by candidates saying they have learned more about the position that changes their salary requirement. I’ve also seen people rejected because their salary expectation was “too high” and there was “no way they would be satisfied with the real range.” Both of these approaches feel like they are asking for candidates to guess the “real” salary range and then penalizing them for guessing it wrong.

This employer has faced strong competition for good talent in the last several years and has been trying many strategies to attract and retain talent. It baffles me why they haven’t changed these two things. I am interested in pushing for full pay transparency in the posting and not asking for salary expectations at all, but I want to make sure I’m not out of line.

You are not out of line. These are both terrible practices, for exactly the reasons you say: you’ll lose good candidates, waste your hiring managers’ time, and piss people off. Go forth and advocate for change.

5. Is it weird to list a reference who works at the company I’m applying to?

Recently, I came across a job posting in an organization I’ve kept tabs on for a while, hoping they would post the exact type of position I found. It aligns strongly with my interests and training. Also, one of my grad school classmates works for them, in a similar-level position that would collaborate regularly with the open one.

I work in a highly collaborative creative field, and grad-level training is based strongly in practical experience, so I’ve worked with this former classmate numerous times in situations nearly identical to our professional practices.

The former classmate has offered to be a reference for me when I apply to this role. Due to the practical nature of our training, I know they would be able to speak to my conduct as a professional collaborator as well as my character, so I would love to accept their offer. Would it be weird to list a reference who already works in the intended organization? Or should I count on the hiring manager to make the connection between our “education” resume listings, and have them serve as more of an informal, less-guaranteed reference?

It’s not weird to list a current employee as a reference at all. In fact, to the contrary, that has the potential to be a very strong reference to use because (a) they know her and hopefully trust her judgment and (b) they’ll figure she’s more likely to be candid with them than a stranger would be. As long as she’ll speak well of your work, she’d be a great reference to use.

The post coworker got a bigger raise “because he has a family,” I said something I regret, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/coworker-got-a-bigger-raise-because-he-has-a-family-i-said-something-i-regret-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31437

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/update-my-drunk-coworkers-are-gossiping-about-me-not-drinking.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31085

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose drunk coworkers were gossiping about her not drinking? Here’s the update.

Ultimately, nothing really happened, at least that I was aware of – and that was what I asked for. So for me, it was a positive outcome, even if it wasn’t a dramatic one.

First, to clarify, I was worried about how my boss would react to gossip, to hearing my news from someone else first. With how my coworkers were acting, I didn’t know what they would do or say, and it freaked me out! I spoke with that partner I trusted and they were really helpful in deciding how to navigate all the personalities in our office. They were also appropriately aghast at the whole story. In the end, they offered, among other options, to let our office manager know about it all if and when I gave the OK. I took them up on that offer. I was so anxious (and frankly, hormonal!) about the whole thing, I just wanted it off my mind.

We got test results back about a week later and hit that 12-week mark, with everything looking great for baby. So I let my boss know, and he was very positive and has been for the remainder of my pregnancy! Everyone in the office with children told me that they never felt like they couldn’t put their kids first, and the boss was always supportive of that. So I feel good on that front!

Sara and Rose both apologized…after seeing me in that trusted partner’s office. I think that in itself made them nervous enough to leave the issue alone. Even so, I used basically your script with them. It felt so satisfying, and it was enough closure to the issue for me – I didn’t need or want to know how the office would handle it after that. I kept more distance from them, which was easy to do – we were not particularly close to begin with and don’t work directly together.

I’m happy to report that I’m currently on parental leave, and welcomed a healthy, adorable (if I do say so myself) baby into the world very recently! My coworkers in general were all lovely and supportive throughout my pregnancy. The people I work with most directly were all wonderful! The coworkers who were in my corner have been hugely helpful in covering my work and making the transition easy for me, and I’m getting to enjoy those sweet newborn snuggles. They might just make up for the sleep deprivation!

Lastly, a credit to your commenters – in general, folks didn’t impose their opinions on how I approached my own health during pregnancy, which was much appreciated. I had done my homework and knew what I personally felt comfortable with. And as for law firms being dysfunctional…? 100%. While there are a lot of “big personalities” in my office, I really like the people I work with directly, I have a lot of flexibility, and I’m generally happy with where I’m at.

The post update: my drunk coworkers are gossiping about me not drinking appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/update-my-drunk-coworkers-are-gossiping-about-me-not-drinking.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31085

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/update-my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31078

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss hadn’t talked to her since his drunken striptease? Here’s the update.

The commentator who stated, “In vino veritas,” hit the mark.

Days after my question appeared online, I sat, scrolling through comments, crying into my wine. I intended to phone a friend. Instead, I drunk dialed my boss — on his work phone.

Will answered. Immediately recognizing that I was drunk, he said, “Hang on. I’ll call you right back on my personal phone.”

In the call that followed, he confessed to having a crush on me since his very first day as my supervisor. And he admitted that he wanted me to join him for a sexual liaison in the loft. I admitted that as much as I liked him, I didn’t like being pursued by someone who was married.

You read right — married. In my initial letter, I lied to protect him. The first lie was saying he was divorced. The second lie was claiming the tip happened in August. Really, it occurred in September.

Rather than agree to keeping everything professional and above board from then on, Will insisted that he and his wife had separated. Then he convinced me to engage in phone sex. After that he pursued me relentlessly. And I’ll admit, I liked the attention.

After swearing his divorce was final, Will planned a work-trip rendezvous for us in April 2024. Once he got what he wanted, he no longer had any use for me and did exactly what you said he’d do — lay the groundwork to fire me.

Will got a new supervisor in June 2024. She took an immediate dislike to me, often requiring me to work during approved leave, work 7 days per week, shorting my pay, etc. This culminated in me being required to work 27 consecutive days in January. At first, I thought he was going along with it because he was afraid that if I spoke up, he’d lose his job. That’d simply make him a coward, rather than malicious. Later, I learned I was wrong.

Other supervisors began talking. Before me, there was an employee who got involved with Will and ended up being transferred. I watched as Will started grooming another employee after he lost interest in me. Aside from the three of us, Will admitted to having an affair with another woman. And wouldn’t you know it — he and his wife are still together. Yeah, cheaters gonna cheat.

The constant stress resulted in a mental breakdown. I reported the hostile work environment to HR and the EEOC, then spent 3 months on FMLA. That ended up protecting my job long enough for the government to start offering voluntary separation incentive programs. I left my job with $25,000 in cash.

I am still emotionally broken and working through the betrayal trauma I suffered at Will’s hands. I have no idea what the future will hold. My EEOC complaint was accepted and is moving forward, so I hope there will be justice in the end.

The post update: my boss hasn’t talked to me since his drunken striptease appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/update-my-boss-hasnt-talked-to-me-since-his-drunken-striptease.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31078

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-my-bff-has-been-my-employees-therapist-for-years-company-wants-us-to-pay-for-a-work-trip-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31091

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I just found out my BFF has been my employee’s therapist for years

The advice helped. When I wrote to you, I was in a really sad place where I had no idea what to do and felt trapped and alone. The situation was so messy and sad, but reading your feedback and the comments helped me realize the scope of the situation, and all the parties’ roles.

I told Bob what happened and that Lori had violated his privacy as a patient. I told him if he wanted to report Lori I would support him. He decided not to. At that point it had been over a year since he had been her patient, so I left that up to him. Some of the comments asked why I was upset with Bob. At this point I want to move on, but just to explain: Bob used what I said to intentionally point a negative light on me, for what reason I’ll never know. He did apologize and said he doesn’t remember the conversation with Lori, but the damage was done. I have distanced myself from him as much as I can, but we still have a professional relationship.

I acknowledge my role in this. I said a negative comment about my friend, that was wrong and I have certainly learned from my mistake. I have not spoken to Lori since it happened. Although Bob and I played a role in this situation, in my opinion the crux of the issue is her lack of respect for boundaries, both with patients and friends. I know there might be questions about how I handled this, and I get that! This situation is so so complicated, but I have tried my best to do the next right thing, and I really appreciate the feedback I got, it truly did help me get to a better place.

2. My boss said I couldn’t leave for lunch on a day we had an office party (#4 at the link)

I’ve now been at the company for six months and have a lot more context for general culture here, mainly that my boss tries to be flexible, but also doesn’t always verbalize what she thinks of as “small” issues. For example, I had a mandated week-long training in another city. The company paid for my hotel, training program, and a per diem allowance. The week took place over Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which is a company holiday. However, I worked on that day because training took place. When I got back, our department HR rep/administrative assistant had a whole conversation with my boss, advocating for me to have an “off-the-books” day off to compensate. She did agree, but was a little bit taken aback because “why would it matter.” However, she’s also very understanding about all employees sometimes needing to come in late in the morning (and just flexing the time later in the day or week) or whatnot.

I’ve also started using our informal check-ins to be more direct with her about expectations. For example, if she wants me to continue including her in email chains that aren’t relevant (I swear, people who need anything, no matter how small, cc her in everything) or if there’s information I can store a certain way so when she needs it for higher level stuff she can use it more easily. She was very taken aback by these questions, but seemed to really appreciate them as well!

All this to say that while we haven’t had another “office party” in the time I’ve been here, I feel like I’ve laid some effective groundwork so when I need to have that conversation with her, she’ll be more receptive to my approach and I’ll feel more confident in suggesting solutions. Being in this workplace and hearing about my spouse’s workplace (which has lovely people but the communication is terrible) has really made me appreciative of clear, direct communication. So great professional growth at the very least!

3. Company wants us to pay for a work trip (#3 at the link)

Thank you so much for your advice! Reading your response and the comments from the readers helped me realize how crazy and severely toxic that work environment was.

I stood my ground and did not go to the work trip along with other admins. I was heavily grilled as to why I didn’t attend and explained it was due to finances. I was told the company was generously paying for lunches and offering a partial work day (the remainder would be unpaid or had to use PTO) to head over to the destination (the executives attending refused WFH for admins, even though all of them were working from home or headed out the day prior) and that I was paid enough to budget correctly to attend work events. I was of course paid below industry standard, for what it’s worth.

Alison, this company was so cheap when the bathrooms in the building were out of order for all employees, they took us to a restaurant for a buffet style meal and told us how grateful we should be that they paid for a lunch at a place with working restrooms. The lunch was an hour and a half and the company was adamant about the whole time being unpaid for admins, so it was a longer workday for all of us who weren’t exempt to make up our hours for a mandatory lunch while driving down the street to a Starbucks to use the restroom for the rest of the workday.

Immediately afterwards, every minor issue was pointed out and I suddenly was written up for every issue that was never a problem the prior eight months I worked at the company (like taking a 32 minute unpaid lunch instead of clocking in at exactly 30 minutes). I was of course shortly terminated and a current employee told me they do that to everyone they decide to let go because they fight every single unemployment claim.

I’m so happy to say I completely got out of that industry and am working at a new workplace that is so much healthier! I work less hours with less stress and am being paid so much more. My previous workplace is still hemorrhaging employees, is nowhere near close to selling it to a buyer, and has effectively destroyed their corporate reputation within the industry.

4. Should I put Phi Beta Kappa on my resume? (#5 at the link)

Thank you again for your advice, 10 years after answering my question. I did include Phi Beta Kappa on my resumes, in the Professional Memberships section. I don’t know if it ever helped or hindered my job search, but I am now in a position that highly values professional credentials. All workers have them listed in bylines, email signatures and on name badges. I have my master’s degree listed there (but not Phi Beta Kappa!).

My question was published at a time when the commentariat was a little spicy, but I was able to take away that a lot of people didn’t know what Phi Beta Kappa was. It is an honor society for top achieving students in the liberal arts and sciences. Traditionally, many recipients have served in the federal administration, on the Supreme Court, or won a Nobel prize. It was a great honor for me as a first-generation college student. Growing up, I had no exposure to corporate or white collar professionals and as such I didn’t know if Phi Beta Kappa was a ticket into those kinds of jobs. Your answer really clarified my understanding. Thank you.

The post updates: my BFF has been my employee’s therapist for years, company wants us to pay for a work trip, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-my-bff-has-been-my-employees-therapist-for-years-company-wants-us-to-pay-for-a-work-trip-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31091