Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/new-hires-keep-leaving-is-work-becoming-colder-and-less-personal-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31819

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our new hires keep leaving, and I’m worried people think it’s because of me

The team I work on is going through a period of transition right now, with several people on our team leaving within a short space of time. I am currently an assistant and recently interviewed for the position of supervisor. I didn’t get the job and, while I respect the decision of my manager, I am disappointed and the team are aware of this. Part of the feedback was a concern that my communication style may come across as too negative, which I am trying to be more aware of in the workplace.

We’ve had some new assistants join the team recently and within a few days of starting the job, they’ve made the decision to leave (all independently — they’ve never met each other). I think this has been due to their expectations of the job not meeting the reality. I really enjoy welcoming new people to the team and helping them to feel comfortable, and it’s one of the few opportunities I can use to practice my supervisor skills. I’ve been extra conscious of my communication style and what I’m telling them about the job so they don’t feel overwhelmed. As my interactions with these new hires are one-to-one, my managers rely on feedback from the rookies to determine if they’ve had a good experience. I’m concerned with this current trend that my managers might think that I’m scaring them away or warning them that they should look elsewhere (I’m not — aside from my recent disappointment, I’m quite happy on the team despite our challenges of being understaffed). I think our problem is more likely to be that we’re not presenting the job accurately during the hiring process or not screening candidates as effectively as we could be.

Am I overthinking this, or is there a chance that I’m starting to be seen as the Office Villain? If this requires a change from me, do you have any thoughts regarding what to say when raising this with my manager?

If you’re the person working most closely with the new hires, it is possible that your manager will wonder if something is happening in those interactions that’s driving people off — not necessarily that you’re badmouthing the job, but something (in particular, since she told you that you might come across too negatively, she might think that’s part of it). That doesn’t mean it’s really the case, or even that your manager will conclude that — but because it’s unusual to have multiple new people quit a job within a few days of starting it, it’s not unlikely that your boss would at least consider the possibility as she tries to figure out what’s going on,

The best thing you can do is to get out of ahead of it by raising it with your manager yourself. For instance, you could say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s behind our losing X new people so quickly. I’ve really worked hard to welcome them and help them feel comfortable and to be excited about being here, so I don’t think it’s the training experience. But I do think it could be that we’re presenting the job as X during the hiring process and not preparing them for Y, and it might help to be sure people have a really clear understanding of what the work will be like before they come on board.”

2. My manager denied my time off for a reason our company later overruled — but she never came back and told me

I have been at my provincial government for six months after working as a student intern for them for several summers before. Unbeknownst to me, the union I joined has been in negotiations with our government for about a year, and we recently held a 91% strike vote (which is amazing, no issues with that or my union whatsoever!).

However, because of the strike vote (meaning we could strike any time within the next 120 days) management instituted a policy that no vacation leaves were to be approved for anyone until negotiations were finished and there was no possibility for a strike. I approached my manager, Anna, a month ago asking for time off later in the summer, she informed me of this policy, I accepted I wouldn’t be able to get away this summer, and all was well.

However, I have been informed by my former manager (from when I was an intern), Carol, that this policy was rescinded some time ago (about two weeks after I requested time off) as it was against our collective agreement. Time off becomes null and void once a strike happens, but cannot be denied prior. A message from higher-ups went around to all the managers in my department about the decision, and Anna and other managers were supposed to inform us and start allowing time off requests. Carol looked to see if the message was ever sent in an email that she could forward to me, but apparently it was only sent via Teams, which in our org deletes messages after 24 hours.

No one in my working unit was ever informed of this change, even though other units were. I’ve spoken with some of my coworkers, and apparently this is par for the course for Anna. She had only been in a management position for a few months before I joined the team, and apparently there were some politics that involved her getting promoted over a more suitable candidate because of favoritism from higher-ups. I can’t really speak to this as I wasn’t there, but I have definitely noticed that I have to doublecheck things she says as her information has repeatedly been wrong and against our policies.

I am not sure if Anna hasn’t informed my team because she forgot, or because she deliberately wants to withhold information from us. The rest of my team seems to think it’s the latter. I obviously want to take the time off, but I’m not sure how to approach her about this. I’ve tried to find somewhere to “organically” come across the information so I can approach her with it as though she just missed it and I can bring it to her attention, but I have been unable to do so. Is there a way I can diplomatically ask her about why the information was withheld?

The most diplomatic approach is to frame it as an oversight: “When I originally asked for the first week of August off, you didn’t think you could approve it because of the possible strike, but since then the company apparently clarified that they wanted to handle time-off requests normally, because of our collective agreement. Okay for me to submit a new request for the time since that’s been changed?”

You’re not getting into why she withheld the info (which was maybe intentional or maybe wasn’t), just asserting your understanding that the prior reason is no longer in effect. If that doesn’t resolve it, talk to your union about enforcing the collective agreement.

3. “Out of the office until date X”

If someone says they are out of office until Date X, does that mean they are returning on Date X, or the next day? I have seen people use it both ways and it’s confusing.

People do use it both ways, and it is confusing. Technically “out of the office until July 10” should mean “back in the office on July 10,” but a lot of people use it mean “out through July 10.” People could clarify by adding “returning on (date)” but they often don’t.

4. Is work becoming colder and less personal?

I have a question about workplace norms over the last 20+ years that I wondered if you could comment on: do you think business has gotten much less personal and much more cold? Less sexual harassment and happy hours and having your boss over for dinner, more layoffs with no notice, less likely to give the job “to someone who needs it” vs. the best qualified person (e.g. not lay off the cancer patient or new mom.)

Obviously this is both good and bad, as my examples show. But is this a real trend or am I cherrypicking from a sample of “me and my friends”?

Those aren’t the examples I’d choose to illustrate it (obviously less sexual harassment is not “more cold,” and it’s always been pretty common to do layoffs without notice, often using severance in lieu of notice) but I agree with you that work has moved toward feeling less personal. Some of that is coming from more employers moving toward caring about the bottom line at the expense of nearly anything else, and some of it is workers responding to that overall trend by detaching a bit on their own sides (but there’s no question that it started on the employer side).

5. Should I tell my company that our EAP wasn’t helpful?

I recently have been going through the aftermath of a death in my close family and reached out to my employee assistance program (EAP). My EAP offers eight free sessions with a therapist, which sounded awesome. But, after reaching out, they matched me to a practitioner too far away, one inappropriate for my situation (trust me on this one!), and a virtual one who asked for my number to set up an appointment and never contacted me after I gave her my information. I reached out to the EAP many times and was not able to get help.

My question is: should I inform management about this issue? It’s personal, but they know about the death in the family so it’s not too sensitive. I’m moving forward getting support without the EAP. But other people going through hard things might not have that option and we deserve an EAP that works. Should I call it out?

Yes, please tell HR. They need this kind of feedback so they know when there’s a problem. If you’re hesitant to share it because you feel like you’re complaining, don’t think of it as a complaint; think of it as alerting them to a problem with a vendor (which it is).

Related:
interview with an employee at an employee assistance program (EAP)

The post new hires keep leaving, is work becoming colder and less personal, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/new-hires-keep-leaving-is-work-becoming-colder-and-less-personal-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31819

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/updates-the-sleep-clinic-the-aggressively-red-wall-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31542

Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. I work in a sleep clinic and some patients want to sleep naked

I’ve been sitting on this reply to you because my experience as a brand new sleep tech student trainee went horribly awry. It was such a hostile and abusive work environment I felt forced to leave/pushed out. It was so bad I was advised by a third party to pursue a court case against my employer, but at the time I did not have the spoons or funds to do so (they’re a world-renowned health and learning institution).

My formal request for hospital gowns was denied by the manager. Some of the more senior level techs vocally supported my request at the team meeting, but one senior-level tech invoked the ol “Back in my day…” speech which completely dismissed my concerns of sexual harassment by patients. However, a newly hired supervisor, who is much younger than our senior techs and more understanding of the problem, was able to procure a package of robes from the hospital for us to use, and they were used.

As of this moment, I am at a crossroads of sorts. I get anxiety when I think about working in a hospital again. I drove by the building the other day and my entire body went stiff. The problem wasn’t the patients or the scope of the work itself, it was the people I was forced to work with for 12-hour night shifts. They were so mean and downright nasty, and none of it was necessary. I did request a change to day shift or move to another office, but HR just made everything worse.

I paid a significant amount of money for schooling to change careers, and I put in an incredible amount of work to get comfortable working with patients- I absolutely loved working with my patients (and I was good at it for the most part). It would be a shame to abandon all of that training due to some emotionally immature, poorly trained, and abusive people. I’m lucky enough to have a good group of techs who will provide recommendations for me, but the anxiety is REAL. I’ve been gritting my teeth while writing this email. I really don’t want to give up.

2. Coworkers are very concerned that I’m not wearing a coat

This became less of a problem as the weather got warmer, but I did take your advice and start mentioning to my well-meaning colleagues that I run hot and the comments tapered off. It was really helpful to me to reframe their concern as something that they would express to everyone. I’ve also tried to take my age in stride in the workplace and offer perspectives that my older coworkers maybe haven’t thought about and I’ve been really thriving since I wrote to you in January! My youth comes into play quite often in my job as I am a youth services librarian — something I didn’t mention in my original letter since I guess part of me already knew that my proximity to kids probably also made me seem younger than I am to my coworkers.

I was in the comments section briefly the day my letter was published, and I do live in an area of the U.S. that tends to get snow in winter and drop to chilly temperatures after sunset, so I do keep a spare coat in my car that I don’t touch, haha. Thank you commenters for your kind words!

3. How can I push for a standard fee that wasn’t in a contract? (#5 at the link)

I’m the writer who asked about trying to get my cancellation fee from an organization who didn’t use contracts.

The update is short and sweet — they paid me! I replied to them and simply said, “You’re likely aware that [old org] has not historically executed contracts. Instead they create agreements with speakers according to their own internal system, which I’m assuming you all intend to honor.”

They said yes, and a while later the check came. Fast forward to a few weeks prior to the conference, and about a third of their line up withdrew, citing ethical concerns over the board’s handling of the previous President’s misconduct. I was grateful to already be done with them before needing to do the same.

4. Can I ask to have the red wall in my new office repainted? (#4 at the link)

The red wall lives on in my office, despite my best efforts. I’ve done what I can to cover it up — strategic furniture placement, art, giant bulletin boards — but it still makes its presence known.

I have students dropping by daily and they always mention how comfortable the space makes them feel … and then immediately add, “Well, except for that giant red wall.” Thankfully, they quickly add that they can tell I didn’t pick it because it doesn’t fit my ‘vibe.’

So, for now, the wall remains — an aggressively bold and unwelcome conversation piece.

Nothing short of an in-person inspection can convey how truly terrible corporate chili pepper looks when it’s looming over your desk like a hostile deadline.

The post updates: the sleep clinic, the aggressively red wall, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/updates-the-sleep-clinic-the-aggressively-red-wall-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31542

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/my-boss-said-im-threatened-by-his-masculine-energy.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31923

A reader writes:

I am a Millennial woman and my new boss is a Gen X man. We have been butting heads a lot, mostly because I think he lacks the basic skills and competencies to do his job. My frustration has gotten to the point where I feel like screaming most days.

This past week I had to send him yet another email where I tried to politely and professionally explain that he was yet again doing something wrong. I had two people read it for tone before I sent it. This is the opening paragraph to the 10 paragraphs he sent in response:

“I think [Name] that you would benefit from learning about the unconscious and the psychological defense of projections and transferences that emanate from the unconscious of a person, especially one with a highly dysregulated nervous system. I am a human being too — I have done it and can do it (still do it at times) and that’s why I know about it experientially. It’s also why I speak to the need for grace often (as well as accountability). Believe it or not (and that is a literal statement because I really don’t think you can believe it at this point in your life), I extend a great deal of grace to you. But that does not mean I am going to take on crap that you are trying to offload on to me. Nor am I going to just be a wallflower as a director of an organization that needs to address its challenges. Because you have been working in an all-female environment for so long, it’s quite possible that you (and others) take the masculine energy that I at times emanate as a threat, when there is no threat. But you perceive it as so. I’m sorry about that and I can be mindful of behaviors but I am not going to sit in analysis paralysis while we try to adjust to the chaos left behind in the emotional wake of the Trump Train.”

The best part about this email is that he voluntarily cc’d the board chair on it. He tries to paint me as a hysterical, flakey, incompetent woman, which fell flat because I’ve worked with our chair, a man, for the last 10+ years.

A few weeks prior to this email, I had asked an external project partner if I could use him as a professional reference as he has had nothing but very nice things to say about the work I’ve done with him for the last 3+ years. The day after I received this unhinged email from my boss, that project partner called me and asked how my job search was going. I said “not great,” and he asked if I wanted to come work with him. We later had a two-hour long conversation, and I’m being offered a pay bump and an opportunity to oversee a really awesome project.

So, now I need to write my resignation letter to my boss. Due to our summer PTO schedules, I won’t actually see my boss for another 2.5 weeks, and I won’t be starting my new job until mid-August. When he gets back to the office, I would love to have a polite and professional response composed that burns this man and his “masculine emanations” to the ground. Can you offer me any advice on what to say?

P.S. I spoke to an employment attorney and because our organization has fewer than 15 employees, it’s not required to comply with federal anti-discrimination laws. I apparently don’t have a lot of legal rights in this instance. While this is bonkers, I am working to put together additional documentation for the board that will hopefully inspire them to fire him.

Eww, my skin crawls every time I try to read the paragraph he wrote to you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for not sending the other nine paragraphs.

I don’t think the issue is this guy’s “masculine energy.” It’s that he seems incapable of engaging on actual work issues and instead wants to psychoanalyze you and conclude that you just don’t know how to work around masculine men because of all that estrogen you’ve been steeping in.

I don’t have any real context for what’s been going on in your office or what he refers to as “crap that you are trying to offload on (him),” and an effective response would probably require knowing some of that.

But in this case, you really don’t need to respond at all! You’re leaving. This isn’t someone who’s engaging in good faith or in a productive way, and you’re on your way out. There’s no reason you need to work toward a greater understanding with him so you can both move forward, and there’s little that indicates that would succeed even if you wanted to try. So why bother?

Your resignation letter itself should be bland and dry, as should all resignation letters. They’re not meant to have any meaningful content at all beyond, “I am resigning and my last day will be X.”

As for responding to his ludicrous email, if you respond at all, at most you should say, “This email is inappropriate on multiple levels, and you should not be applying this sort of explicitly gendered lens to work interactions. I do not think it will be productive to discuss this further, so I will leave this with BoardChair to handle from here.”

The post my boss said I’m threatened by his “masculine energy” appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/my-boss-said-im-threatened-by-his-masculine-energy.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31923